Just thinking about the similarities of the then and the now and I suddenly got scared that it might possibly have the same turnout. I remember having this random conversation with someone more than two years ago. Here goes:

Someone: Heeeey. Wish we had more time to spend with each other earlier. I miss you so so so much already.

Me: ”Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do.” ~Goethe

Someone: Uhm, what are you trying to say?

Me: Nothing, just saying.

Got so upset with this text message instead of being filled with the gooey cheesy stuff that was why I replied something like that. At that very moment, I was being so skeptical and couldn’t take to believe in those words. Something like, “If that someone really wanted to be with me, then that someone would have done something about it and actually made whatever it takes for us to fill the gap of missing each other happen. But then, obviously, that someone didn’t. So probably, all of the things that someone said were just words that that someone knew I wanted (and somehow needed, also) to hear.” went on my head. And right now, everything just seems to be happening all over again. It just scares the shit out of me. I don’t want it to be a repeat or whatever the like. I want this to be different. Good different.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. Why do I have to be so cynical and ruin everything in my head? Why do I have these expectations—how and when things should happen? Can’t I just always go with the flow; have no expectations; and be surprised by how things will go? 

I’m sorry for expecting too much too soon. Sorry for having these heightened emotions just for you. But it’s really hard to fight against those when there are people in my life who apply what they let me know and actually do the things that they are willing to do.

Case in point, a friend texted telling us how much she misses us realizing that she hasn’t talked to us in person for the longest time. Two days after that, she again contacted us and had a proposal laid out for us—that we meet up right after her work at the office. And just like that, next thing we knew, we were in BGC with each other’s company: hanging, chilling, and catching up as if like it was forever since we saw each other last. Very impulsive yet so wonderful.

How I wish that all people were like you guys—applying whatever they let others know and actually doing things that they are willing to do. Thank God, for awesome expressive friends who meet up with you when you are missed. You make me feel like everything good is possible with this friendship. Also, I saw our future as working girls—that we could still allot some time for dinner and the usual catching ups. That made me really really happy. Thank you for the amazing fundate, last night! Even if I had to go all the way to Fort from home at such a late notice. Even if I had to drink milk tea that doesn’t taste like it because it’s actually more of a read bean-mashed drink. Even if I had to get lost and tire my legs out from walking around the Fort just to look for High Street. Even if I had to shed some money from savings just to eat at somewhere different and not cheap. Even if I had to ride the bus (You know how much I don’t like doing so because it reminds me of something not-so-nice) and be not seated right away. Even if I had to go home very late and had no idea how to get home… Okay lang, basta kasama ko kayo. :) GAAAHH! I missed you! 

Been setting standards for a long time now—how things should (and/or shouldn’t) be. And it’s just now that I know “where” and “how” to actually have the stuff that I’ve been wanting since like forever to be actuated into reality. But not sure if I’m still gonna go for it. Nothing is ever too easy; everything has to have that hint of complication. Ughhhh~ I shall make lists and evaluate all these thoughts… later when finals is over.

P.S. How dumb of me to realize all these just now -__-

Who in his right mind would bring a bottle of cold mineral water to my house at 3 ‘o clock in the morning just because I told him that I was thirsty?

Sleeping (or staying, rather) over at a friend’s house because it’s summer and of course, we missed each other’s company. Wanting to take a breather from everything that’s been happening. Not that we do every single thing together but just seeking for company—a very familiar one that’s very comfortable and never boring.

—

The sitch: A friend was exchanging text messages with her the-one-that-got-away while the other two were minding their own businesses. She randomly told him that she was thirsty. The guy offered to bring her water then next thing everyone knew, he was right there at the gate handing her a bottle of cold mineral water.

Gaaaahd. What is effort. Putangina, fuckshit. You are one lucky girl, dear friend. I’m really jealous right now. I also want that for myself, you lucky witch. You already.

My eyes were just about to droop 10 minutes earlier but then this thing made my spirit (and heart) alive. Goosebumps. Good feeling. Amazing guys… they’re still around… willing to bring you water whenever you’re thirsty even if that when is when it is at this wee hour in the morning wherever you are even if that where it is is x (Let x = some number of kilometers) kilometers away from your place.

.

Would you be out of your mind to also do something that stupid for me?

P.S. Hey, I’m thirsty.

Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Pagtawanan mo ang gabi,
ang araw, ang buwan,
pagtawanan mo ang mga liku-likong
landas sa isla,
pagtawanan mo ang torpeng
lalaking ito na nagmamahal sa iyo,
nguni’t kapag bubuksan ko
at isasara ang aking mga mata,
kapag ako ay umalis,
kapag ako ay muling bumalik
ipagkait mo na sa akin ang tinapay,
ang hangin, ang liwanag at ang tagsibol,
huwag lamang ang iyong ngiti
dahil ito’y aking ikasasawi.

Getting out of the comfort zone. Changing the perception of it from being a scary thus less-traveled (or rather not-traveled-on-at-all) road to some sort of an exciting one that has a lot of adventure that goes with the experience. Not cognizant of how things will end up but knowing in the end that everything’s gonna be fine in one way or the other; atleast whatever it is has been given a try. 

Lezzdodis!